In a special address to the nation, President Obama announced the creation of a Strategic Waffle Reserve to address the shortage.
There are those who advocate inaction and a passive response to this challenge. There are naysayers who profess that there are enough waffles to go around. These are falsehoods designed to mislead the American people. How can we leave millions of our children without basic necessities? I cannot imagine Sasha and Melia going to school without their Eggos. Let me be clear: my administration intends to take bold action in response to this threat. I will not allow our national economic recovery to be held hostage by a waffle shortage, nor will I allow our seniors to eat hard, unappetizing generic waffles. I affirm my intention of spreading these waffles around. There are those who offer a false choice between economic growth, and mutual aid and security. There are those who are skeptical of my administration's ability to get anything done. Well, allow me to be clear and frank with the American people: I have a plan.
First, I am announcing the creation of a Strategic Waffle Reserve to stockpile waffles to preclude the possibility of such a devastating shortage in the future. This great nation will never find itself caught unaware ever again.
Second, and with regret, I am announcing the purchase of 80% of Kellogs by the federal government. The American people cannot allow the incompetence and recklessness of a few food executives to devastate the middle class. I will ensure that Kellogs has a quick and painless bankruptcy that will strengthen its ability to waffle and punish its irresponsible creditors. Allow me to be clear: the United States government is not interested in owning food companies.
Third, I am announcing an executive order that will ban the personal production, consumption or ownership of Eggo waffles one year from today. A new federal agency, the Federal Inventory Control Authority (FICA), will fairly distribute all waffles until the crisis has passed. In America, we will not allow the poor to go without waffles while the rich enjoy the profits of our collective production. Those who refuse to comply will be subject to a $2,500 tax and jail time unless they make under $250,000. It is not my intention to burden those families which are already suffering.
My fellow Americans, I know that through hard work, cooperation and unquestioning obedience, we will be able to survive this crisis together.
The President's speech was followed by a White House announcement of a new federal website, waffles.gov, to track the new initiatives. Fittingly, Vice President Biden will be responsible for this new and accurate communication tool. Obama has previously delegated communications responsibilities to the Vice President's office. FICA will be headed by waffle czar Bill Clinton, who is allegedly an Aunt Jemima brand loyalist.
GOP strategists have already announced their intention to dump as many waffles as possible into the Potomac River, calling for a Waffle Party to protest Obama's plan.
